pearbox : undefined

I’m sitting in Java Joe’s right now – downtown somewhere, and wow – God is just soo good! Like wow!! His ways are truly not my ways – they go far and way beyond my imagination, reasoning, and understanding. I wrote earlier about how gracious and abundant His provision is and wow… I am still just blown away… again and again.

As some of you know, I’ve been living off my credit card these past few months, just swiping this and that, having literally zero income, but lots of expenses with travel, school, food, etc.. Simply living on faith – knowing that someway somehow God is going to provide more than I need or ask for. Knowing that He doesn’t desire for me to live a ‘cheap’ life to conserve my finances, but that He is a loving father that gives the best to His children who trust and obey Him)

(Note: I’m not advocating bad stewardship or loose spending with credit cards. Merely that God loves you – and in His sovereign and abundant grace, in bringing you to relationship with Jesus; that He would have you pursue Him and Him alone – not money, food, clothing, or relationships – those ‘worries’ of this world, He will add and bless as is beneficial to your growth and deepening of faith in Him.)

And since I wrote last on this issue (somewhere in April I believe), I’ve been pretty much living off $400 that God brought through them Tax returns, and the month of May has just been a total miracle in making ends meet. May is the month of extra expenditures – because of all the various events – namely the end of normal school (free time / outings / dates), the start to summer school (textbooks + transportation), my Birthday, my girlfriend’s birthday, Global Day of Prayer and various other random events and times where God tells me to give.

Going into my girlfriend’s birthday – I was about a hundred or so back already, having no idea where the money for my expenses would come from (no job, tax money is already pretty thin etc). Simply asking God and waiting for Him to provide – and 30 or so minutes before I leave for our little ‘adventure’ my grandmother comes up to me and gives me $100 for no particular reason! ^^ Narrowing the gap a bit more, and reminding me that even though in those early times (usually at the beginning of the credit card cycle) where God seems to be silent; that He is still there, still faithful – and though my expenses might be mounting up He is right here with me until the very end – for He is a faithful God! (:

Somewhere in between here I also got an email that AFC was hiring a summer intern – and in my mind I could see a potential perfect picture. The AFC position was centered around leading programs and organizing activities for their summer camp, which to me made much sense – because well, I’m doing CCF Chairing this coming school year and am much in need of experience leading programs and the lot. And I just felt a lot of peace about the whole ordeal – peace that God would provide, and a mild inkling that maybe this is what God had in mind… so I submitted my application and began waiting..

Following that God began beckoning to fly down to Nashville to attend The Call (July 07, 2007), which is basically a 12 hour prayer meeting for reconciliation, repentance, and revival – I had enough air miles to fly down there, but other than that – housing, transportation, airport taxes – totally have no idea how thats going to get paid for–

I talked to my parents about TheCall – and after a rather long discussion about it, they gave me approval, and I was set to book the tickets. This is where I ran into a bit of a problem. Originally when I had called the airline company they told me that there was a direct flight to Nashville – yet because I wanted to respect my parents and get approval first – I got delayed, and that flight (the direct one) got booked up full. So though I’m going down – I’m taking a detour from Nashville to Washington D.C. and then to Toronto – making a my two our trip effectively 6 hours (yay :p). So being naïve, I began hoping and having Faith that God in His Sovereignty would provide a way through – so I just kept waiting and calling; till last night at 11:45 when I placed my last call and still nothing. And last night I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed, knowing so much that God loved me and provided – yet what I thought was God’s will didn’t seem to come… and I just wondered why…? I had honored God by honoring my parents, I had faith in Him that he would provide– but out of all that nothing…

Furthermore – this past Wednesday I got a call from the City of Toronto for an interview. I had written down all the details on how to get there, the interviewer’s contact information and everything – but after I made my phone call to the airline I just couldn’t find the paper…

So the flood of stress and disappointment really got me down; and Satan’s lies that Daddy doesn’t love me tried to poke in, and just that feeling of deep loneliness in wondering where God was kind of sunk in… Its like that feeling where you put so much faith in God, so much that you can almost see it; the “white hot expectation” that Ray Liu often talks about – and then being let down… rather hurts. Rather painful.

Of course – God is greater, and His ways are not our ways – He is Holy, totally other than. And His grace comes in abundance. Sometimes in meeting just our needs exactly – but also much more than we can ever think, ask or imagine!

I got an email yesterday from AFC, they told me that the position I had applied for had not received funding. And therefore probably won’t exist this year. And though in my mind – I thought yep – that job, its mine; God has given it to me – not because I am God or that I deserve it or that I dictate His will, but because I have faith – and as clouded as my vision is, I know that he’s going to provide me with a job this summer. “I’m not looking for the job but the job is going to come after me” — I’m just going to seek God and His Kingdom First; those other worries will be added. And though I “had all that faith” the job didn’t fall through…

Instead – God blew me away today when I went to City Hall. — I got there this morning; not knowing what job I was actually applying for, or even where the interviewer’s office was. I walked in asked the reception and somehow managed to find the manager’s office, and started the interview. After a few short questions the Manager was really nice and called this other person at Metro Hall, and before I knew it I was over there doing my second interview. Both of them were really easy and simple – felt like they had more or less made the decision even before they even hired me. Then what do I know but a few hours after I get a call from Human Resources, notifying me that I’m starting on Monday 8:30!!

LIKE WHOA!!! At the moment I started to despair, where my heart began to sink with unbelief, God showed up and pulled me through… As He usually does… in Abundance, and showering me with just an overflow of His Grace!
Of course silly little Perry just takes forever to really absorb how much daddy loves him, haha – Praise God!

Another thing – I remember back in March I was spending time with daddy – and just asking daddy for a job that paid for $15-20 / hr, and lo and behold… I’m getting paid somewhere around there ^^ (i won’t tell you how much i make)

But yah – Praise God!! wooo!

Well its been a nice long month since my last substantial post, lots has been happening but I haven’t really been getting around to blogging much. Lots and lots of busyness - not so because I don’t care about my journal, just got 24 hours 7 days a week — tons and tons of other important things to do. But whatever, its June now, new server, slightly new layout - and lots to catch up on.

Lately I’ve been learning a lot about just being myself again, and being loved by God - and living by that simple truth of God loves me, I love God - and in the finished work of the Cross is my victory. Everything else is extra. Simple lesson that God has been teaching me this past while — but I’m taking the longest time to fully soak in, without making it complicated and legalistic or ‘religious.’

Learning that God loves me just as I am and though I often strive to do things ‘well’ or get the best, that its really “ok to fail” to make mistakes and the lot. Even when there are so many social conventions, norms, and pressures to act a certain way — things that are traditionally acceptable and disapproved; That it is much better just to be me to be authentic, to be real, sincere and transparent than to get everything idealistically perfect. And from those mistakes, from those failures to pick up again — learn and move on.

(Note: I’m not saying its ok to go sin, and to just learn from your mistakes and go on living like that, but for those gray areas — the “how” God gives us grace to explore those new areas, work out our understanding of who He is. And those things he delights / is displeased with. Obedience.)

Christianity is primarily having a genuine, intimate relationship with Christ, not so much a life style, a set of behaviors or moral / ethical ‘goodness.’ Holiness, striving for good character, living uprightly in a righteous manner is important, and is the fruit that characterizes one who has a genuine relationship with Jesus. But it is never the primary focus. If it is, then how different is the Church to the Pharisees that in the old days had the Scripture, had ‘right’ behavior all set and everything? There is no difference at all. Because right behavior is not the goal or end point. This would totally miss the heart of God.

Which from the whole of scripture cries out — that He wants a relationship with us. For us to know Him and be known by Him.

Hosea 6:6 ESV
For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

So something that I’m struggling with is to break free from the more conservative traditional mindset that though good and wise at times instills fear / legalism. And rather just be real. Completely Abandoned in His love — to operate by His grace — yet hold to the unchanging Truths of Scripture. Something along the lines of the Conservative theology, Liberal practice, that Mark Driscoll is so oft quoted.

Maybe I’m being a bit “postmodern,” but that is this generation — that is me. But really - whats the point of being “perfect” when that isn’t me? Much better to be a tax collector, a prostitute, a lame man, a leper, etc.. than a religious pharisee.

Mark 2:17 ESV
And When Jesus heard it, he said to them ” those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous but sinners.”

Rather than the fear of ‘falling from grace’ or ‘what action is right or wrong’ or what I “should or should not do” just to dive more fully into the depths of His love — and letting that overflow to my thinking, actions, words — transformed unto His likeness that more might know Him through His work.

Idealistically, theoretically, theologically - thats all easily said. But in terms of reality, its kinda strenuous trying to rethink and life that operates in grace, without the legalistic ‘restrictions’  all the while having parents pressure you another direction. Further, the conservative safe ‘Sunday school’ truths make you wary and fearful of going some other way..

So I guess rather than try to figure all that — and  balance, just finding renewal in loving God and being loved by God — keeping it simple.