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I was reading today..

1 John 4:20-21 ESV
If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

I need to remember that..

Ephesians 6:12 ESV
For we do not wrestle against flesh, and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

God would you teach me to be humble, and sustain and preserve humility in my heart. I ask that Lord you would cool the fires of anger, and quench it with the cool rivers of your spirit. Would you alone be enthroned in my heart, not anger, not pride, not self-righteousness — but would replace that with love, humility, peace, and joy. Daddy I can’t do this… I want to explode and blow things up… but I know the battle belongs to you and you are good, and you provide. Father help me in this time of trouble, preserve me — let me not sin against you or against man…
by His blood, and the finished work of the cross,
Sin has lost its power, and death its sting — Amen.

This was a picture I took last week in Kat’s Worship Sunday School / Choir class, and it really got me thinking about Jaffray and perhaps many of the reasons why I’ve been thinking about leaving these past few years. (more of a clarification / official post than the last one)

In Grade 11, when I was co-chairing Hosanna (the High School Fellowship) with my best friend Gabriel, and we helped establish a new ‘culture’ of community into our then cliquey fellowship. I still remember discussing with the committee how we knew a lot of people didn’t like hosanna or weren’t motivated to come because they didn’t really find a home or were cared for.

So we implemented this paradigm of ’splash’ where we looked at a water drop in a pond as a metaphor to the social circles in the fellowship — The popular groups were in the middle (with the most action) and the fringe / lonely people were on the edges, ready to drift off from coming to church / fellowship. To solve this we decided we as committee - would intentionally go to those at the edge and become a ‘water droplet’ to create an epicenter of action / involvement with these people. That way even if they were ‘fringe’ off the mainstream social circle, they were involved and ‘in the spot light’ in this new social circle that was created; and therefore each person would be involved in community.

Then in first year university — in my seeking of God, God blew me away at CCF showing me there was so much more to Fellowship than just pure community. Here I found people who met together regularly to pray and disciple and share with one another. And my dissatisfaction with just community began to grow, and at one point I grew very bitter at my Church fellowship because I felt like we were missing such a major thing! I grew up in the Church but it took 10 years for me to understand (heart knowledge) what Christianity really meant (to know God). And I felt like — what good is the church if it had no community and no discipleship?

In first year God also birthed in my heart a thirst and hunger to seek God’s heart in prayer… simply to intercede and encounter God a fresh each day. And this stirred in my heart another discontent that our Church didn’t pray (e.g. as a fellowship via prayer meetings). And it just felt really frustrating because God had made prayer such a major part in my life — that if we don’t seek His heart or grow in our knowledge of Him, then whats the point?

So this past Sunday, I went to Kat’s class and she switched things around and instead of the bible study component, we spent half the class praying in small groups / in a big group — and for a long time, I felt a deep hope, and joy well up inside of me. Just to see a glimpse of the potential at Jaffray, and the power of unity and reliance on God. Something was different — and I really liked it… and part of me didn’t want to leave, because I felt this was good and it was on the right path. And that ’something’ that I felt was missing was restored to completeness

In Acts I was reading about the fellowship of the early believers, and it says:

Acts 2:42 ESV
And they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching, and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers.

The (corporate) devoted to teachings (Jesus’ Commands / Great Commission), Fellowship (community), breaking of bread (food/communion) and praying.

So as I say farewell, I guess I just really hope that God would continue to move powerfully, that He would set the hearts of my brothers and sisters Jaffray for Him, that we would yearn to be in His presence, and seek after Him with boldness in prayer. It is something I feel that we deeply need. God is moving powerfully here — He has a great work for this church, but He will not force himself in — we need to invite Him in that we might partner in His Spirit — to see the community come to Christ.

I’m sad that I’m leaving, I’d love stay and see God change Jaffray, but — I know God has called me elsewhere. So again, nothing personal to anyone or the leadership; I simply need a praying community which I can find rest, and ‘training’ for future ministry

Thanks everyone
God Bless (:

Just got back from the Surge, and just an awesome awesome time encountering the ONE TRUE AND LIVING GOD and listening to Jesse preach the Word. Awesome Awesome time of prayer and just seeking after God’s heart for revival, for the harvest and the campuses –

Guess prayer requests are –
1. For Unity & Desperate Passion to for the lost, and to seek York University set on fire with revival fire, for the lost to encounter Christ personally, powerfully and passionately.

2. For Boldness & dissatisfaction of always looking inwards — but to GO and truly make disciples, to join non-Christian clubs and let God’s presence and glory come manifest in every house, that the harvest might taste and see how REAL, how good and beautiful Christ truly is

3. Finally for myself — God really challenged me to do something different today. In midst of prayer & worship I looked up and I saw a banner that said “Here I am send me” and just felt in my heart that was like a symbolic declaration a banner over this generation — that it would be the cry in our heart; That the harvest is plentiful and the workers are feel — but that the cry of “Here I am send me” would be in this generation and we would Go and pursue the lost. I felt kinda fearful, and just that stirring in my heart gave me courage to step forward… right when the worship leader got to a verse ab out making ready our feet to go, and just remembering when God first told me to go talk to some random person in first year… just to share that and pray over the leaders and members there…

So thats all good and all… but just as we were ‘closing off’ when Matt was praying, felt really dizzy, kind of nautious… my hearing quit… felt like i was going to faint… and after praying — could barely walk back down to the pews..

I’m ok now… got lots to prep for this weekend CCF stuff, still feeling kind of weak — but please pray for me— thinking of staying home tomorrow, just rest and seek God..

All Glory to Him!

Jesse shared a “picture” or “dream” or whatever you want to call it, and it was that of an island surrounded by water — and on the island there is a beam of light from heaven on a really nice church with a pretty cross on it, and inside there are a bunch of Christians having all out worship and really good programs, just really good fellowship time. And when you zoom out — you realize that outside of this church off the island of ‘paradise’ in the ocean there are thousands of people screaming and drowning in the ocean. The church decides to have a coffee house or outreach program and they go outside of the four walls and go near the edge of the island — they look out and they see that its cold and scary, so rather than getting themselves wet — they just yell out to the people to come, not everyone can make it or even hear them, but a few come and they come on the island and they enter into this paradise of worship… but the whole bunch of ppl are still lost at sea..

Those in the church are the fellowships and churches on campus — the 4% of already saved Christians , the rest are the 96% of people on campus who have not yet heard or met with the living God who is mighty to save…

Christ being in all glory and majest, emptied himself and came down in the flesh that he might love us, and bring us into fellowship with the Father. Christ went out from his ‘paradise’ of perfect fellowship with the Father and the Holy Spirit, left that perfect place and went out from that ‘island’ and dove straight in that he might help us get to the shore, that he might save us — but we kicked him, bruised him and pushed him down into the ocean — rejecting his love, that we can try to make it on our own… but Jesus overcame that..

How much more as His children — do we have to GO, than just sit in our cozy pews, and fellowships singing our songs, having awesome programs while all the world around us is drowning in sin, drowning to the very pits of darkness — Hell…?

There’s this song — I learned back in June at the Hillsong Concert and it really resonates with my heart, and what I see God unleashing over this generation..

Hosanna
Brooke Fraser

I see the King of Glory
coming on the clouds with fire
the whole earth shakes
the whole earth shakes, yea…

I see His love and mercy
washing over all our sin
the people sing
the people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith
with selfless faith

I see a near revival
stirring as we pray and seek
we’re on our knees
we’re on our knees

open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You
have loved me
break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause ****
as I walk from earth into eternity

Amen.

I was spending time with God this past weekend and was feeling kind of down about myself again (as is usual after a ministry event). Just felt like as chair I wasn’t doing a really good job, and I wasn’t sure why I was doing it in the first place.

Back in February-March, before the elections I wasn’t really sure where God wanted me to serve for this upcoming year. I didn’t really have a burden or some radical discontent of wanting to change or reform something. I simply asked God what He wanted to do and well.. when I was praying in my room the idea of ‘CCF CHAIR’ continually bombarded my thoughts for a few days; and talking to a few of my brothers and sisters; got the confirmation that this was indeed something God was leading me towards. Then Elections, and I found myself in the very spot that God had called me to.

So coming back to last week, I felt like I had no idea what God wanted me to do. I personally didn’t really want to do it in the first place, and what with all the mounting attacks with getting really sick, emotionally getting tossed and turned every which way, I think it would be so much easier if I just went back to being a normal committee member or simply step down and just study, work, and do a bit of ministry here and there. It would be easier on my relationship with Mavis, easier financially, and easier in just I wouldn’t have to lead and come face onto a lot of my major struggles / hurts.

I just felt like… “God? Why are you doing this? I feel so inadequate and I feel like everything is just going to flop…” In some ways you could say I felt like God had placed this tremendous burden on me, for seemingly no reason — just to spite me or something. But I know that God has a reason and that His purposes are to strengthen me and stretch me, to prepare me for future ministry stuff, whatever that is.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And just as I was reflecting on how I was feeling… I remembered how back in first year I would be so full in in God’s presence — just in every moment, my heart was that of a Lover and every moment I got, I’d love to just read His word and soak deep in scripturally based teachings. So I started fiddling with Songbird to subscribe to DesirngGod’s sermon feed, and somehow got led to a sermon, The Word of God Abides in You, and You Have Overcome the Evil One by one of my favorite preachers, John Piper.

The sermon was centered around,

1 John 2:14 ESV (emphasis mine)
I write to you, fathers, because you know him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

And Pastor John exposited why/how each of those underlined items relate to each other. I won’t talk too much about it, you should just go read/listen to it yourself.

But one major thing that really helped me was Pastor John’s point over how by abiding in the word we over come the devil, and that we have an advocate in heaven, that is in Christ Jesus. In heaven there is God and Satan, and Satan is bringing about a huge list of complaints and accusations against us — His children. He’s listing out all our sins and arguing with God how utterly unworthy we are and how much we deserve to be condemned. But Jesus as our ‘propitiation’ or substitute and advocate is there with his blood covering us, his hands, feet, and body marked for us… And after each one of Satan’s accusations — God lets them fall because of the finished work of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord.

Our guilt, our shame, our sins — have all been washed away; from crimsons stains we are washed as white as snow. By His blood we are and continually are being made pure and Holy.

That being said, a lot of times, Christians, and myself especially ‘listen in’ and buy into each of those lies that Satan presents. They are truthful lies — because indeed anyone of our sins no matter how big or small already condemns us to Hell. But they are lies because The Truth has set us free — and God has redeemed us completely.

So after the sermon I was just lying on my bed talking to God about it, and this idea popped into my head, and I just felt God reminding me that Satan’s accusations are not simply condemnation to Hell. But his accusations also include that of what we can/cannot do. And I just felt like y’know Satan has been before the throne of God and yelling out his accusations not simply for my condemnation but also for my inadequacy, unworthiness to serve God as chair or do ministry in general.

Satan is there yelling his head off how Perry is so disorganized with all the CCF stuff, how He isn’t clear at all when he communicates the vision, or the ‘new structure’ and how Perry is kind of behind, and messing this up or that up. And there is truth in that. I’ll admit I haven’t been ‘on top of my game’ and doing the best I really could do… and I’ll admit I’m not the best and clearest communicator, but none of that matters. Because God has redeemed me, and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (Phil 4:13). Those lies do not have power over me any longer.

To me its like… the most simplest thing I’ve learned it over and over in Sunday school but its like click! This is actually starting to make sense.. on a deeper level. Its one thing to ‘know’ that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength, but totally another to go and do all things through Him who gives me strength. “head Knowledge” and “heart knowledge” — theology and faith.

So God used that sermon to encourage me a lot, and He’s also rebirthed in my heart just that yearning and wanting to settle for nothing less. I’ve been letting busyness and exhaustion and other priorities get in the way of intimacy with God this past while, but no more — seriously, just to renew my convictions on consecration; and to set myself a part for Christ. To embrace the Word, the sword of the Spirit and to live in freedom, breaking down the lies of the devil, and embracing the free grace and promises he has opened for us.

I want to really love God again, to live in radical faith, no more of this lukewarmness — God I’m coming after you! No more self defeatedness, no more feeding on media infused junk food; no more busyness ruling over my life; its all for You and You alone!, so Take It All!

Like it says on my wall –

“… in every area, continuously, at all times..”

Like a lovesick lover — can’t stop thinking about you, wanting you, listening to you, always always talking to you, if not talking about you.. I wake up and its You, I’m on the bus its You, when I study its you, when I sleep its you; in every moment I want to saturate myself with you..

God seal this desperation and love in my heart; and let not Satan take it away… my life is in your hands God — take me wherever you want me to go –

I am yours completely.

Since last week whence CCF stuff has started up — been getting a lot of attacks physically (fevers, stomach aches, headaches, extra-tiredness etc.) and emotionally/spiritually - mildly depressed, massively discouraged about CCF stuff, myself, and when I get tired and rational thinking goes too…

So really just not a very happy Perry, despair is getting the better of me somewhat…
Just lots contending for my intimacy with God–

so please pray :’(

Thank You.

I’ve been feeling kind of discouraged these past few days after the CCF barbecue, feeling a lot of inadequacy and fear being stirred up, and just wondering why God chose me? When I feel so little, so lacking in gifting and potential. A lot of people say that I have a lot, but sometimes I really wonder and look at my life… and see nothing. nothing at all. Kind of depressing and disheartening (note: this is  how I feel sometimes, not really how I think). Just that feeling of self defeated-ness / belittlement tempting me into its snare.

The barbecue overall was pretty good, pretty chill — but a few instances where one of my committee members pushed me to take initiative to pray or start the ‘organized’ part of it, I backed down because 1) I wanted to wait till the food was out of the way 2) I didn’t want to interrupt the really good social / sharing time 3) I didn’t think I could get everyone’s attention.

And while thats such a small thing and perfectly alright.. after the whole ordeal when I got back into my room to be with God I couldn’t feel regret and just that feeling like “argh! Perry you could’ve done so much better!” that feeling like I’m a disappointment and y’know just ‘whatever.’ And I was just sitting on my bed feeling kinda sad/rejected and asked “God were you even pleased with any of that? Just a word just let me know you smiled over that!” Finding no answer i just fell asleep..

And the next morning when I woke up and was preparing to go to work, my mom shared with me a mini devotion, and told me “God is pleased with what you do, even if you mess up.” I felt kinda encouraged — God’s bit of humor in getting through to me when I feel so out of it.

I asked my mom where the passage was from and she quoted 2 Corinthians 8:12 which says,

2 Corinthians 8:12 ESV
For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have.

This confused me a bit regarding how she got to “God is pleased with me even if I mess up,” when the verse talked about God’s acceptance of a gift and one’s willingness to give according to what God has given him / her.

But whatever… I thought more about the passage, and like a fat birdie, Satan came and gobbled up that scripture, turning it from a word of encouragement to this deceptive lie/challenge that a gift is pleasing only when it is according to what God has given a person. And the question of whether my serving at the bbq was pleasing because IF I am as everyone says so ‘gifted, with so much potential etc. etc’ then I obviously failed to give according to what He has given me. Otherwise I am not truly richly gifted and its ‘ok’ that I messed up because well God hasn’t given me much. Both of which are lies! Because our worth value, and ability to please God is not based on what we do or say — but in what Jesus did for us on the cross — adopting us as His beloved children into relationship with Him.

So I was just wrestling with some of those lies, and that reawakened sense of inadequacy, especially in terms of this upcoming year. I feel like a little radical fireball of change, but somehow I am not adequate enough or do not have enough to follow through with my tremendous ambitions… just feeling disheartened and discouraged.. hopeful, passionate, but just that tremendous fear and uncertainty of not being able to pull through
Then just a few hours ago, after cleaning my room I found a few handbooks in my closet from YCCF, Campus Challenge, and the Alliance Joint Missions Conference (where I got my major call to ministry/my life in its entirety surrendered and given over to Christ) and I was just reading some of the sermons and notes.. and God just hit me with some revelation –

Excerpt from JMC 05 Conference Sermons
- When we look back to our testimony, we find that God never lets our inadequacy come in the way. (e.g. inadequacy to become holy / earn righteousness)
- God has compassion beyond what we deserve
- When Jesus had compassion He held no reserve even when it was His last days
- So we should be like Christ, and take every opportunity NOW.
- Life is short, GO! or you may pass your chance
- Hell is REAL And we need to see people like Christ did - going towards that direction, and we need to have compassion on them.
- Can you see the reality? millions all wayward bound towards darkness
- Our Life is in God’s hand, we need to surrender it completely to Him - life or death.
- Death is not a thing only for the old but it is a present reality.
- Take what opportunity you have and GO, Love for God is 1st priority!
- We need to care about what He cares about.
- If we feel empty, that means we are misaligned with God’s will (e.g. not first place)
- God takes care of His own, we need to seek not our own, but His will.
- God truly delights when His children work for Him
- “Not unless a kernel of wheat falls… - our lives are like that
- not about meeting a quota - but being a blessing to the world.
Q - what are you doing with your kernel of life? saving it? invest it! Give it away!
-DO NOT BELITTLE YOURSELF - God works through the smallest things!
- Never! Ever! Settle for Less! Finish race before even thinking of stopping!

Humbleness - makes us usable
- We need God to sustain us in humility
- It is not about doing something BIG for God!
- Its about serving humbly, because in humility God does BIG things through us.

I know its a mess of bits of my sermon notes from the whole conference, but its interesting to hear again the commission that God had begun to work on and in me back 2005, for those very specific things that hold me in stronghold against my call.

But yah… after reading that just spend more time with God and just His presence close by again, and the conviction of pride — that verse from James

James 4:6 NKJV
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:
“ God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

Just realizing how prideful I have become in this ‘new idea,’ in my philosophical reasoning, in my own certain little strengths, how my life is a temple of God that I first set out to set apart wholly consecrated for worship, but I have instead profaned his sanctuary for myself…

Ezekiel 7:20 ESV
His beautiful ornament they used for pride, and they made their abominable images and their detestable things of it. Therefore I make it an unclean thing to them.

And just reading trough the first 10 or so chapters of Ezekiel these past few days… the Wrath and Fear of the Lord… Understanding first His love and mercy for me; and then seeing again how wrathfully just, How intolerant of sin; how utterly Holy and Jealous He is for our hearts… just everything.. so hard to describe; but just reading it… so powerful, so captivating in a scary yet peaceful kind of way…. knowing that Jesus’ blood covers me and I have been set free, yet not wanting to err anymore — I don’t want to be like the Israelites who though so blessed and loved by Jehovah turned to sin, mistaking His love as rubbish. I want to sing and dance, and shout aloud with all of who I am for His Glory, but truly truly what a sorry thing it is to fall into the hands of the Wrathful God who is our Lord.

Just feel the Spirit moving, convicting and teaching me compassion and humility again. How I long for those days the days working at Yorkland and whipping out my evangecube during free time and drawing away kids from all the other counselors to share the goodness and love of Jesus Christ with them. The days from first year — just to be in that yearning romance of intimate consummate love and conversation with God. At every moment, taking a new challenge everyday — living free and led in the Spirit. Just seeking God, and God seeking after me — going deeper, enthralled completely in His love. Before the days of complicated philosophy and the poison that is in the worldly doctrines. To live free in His love — full just brimming over, fully fed and lavished in His love. Free of what other people say, free of fear, to be completely myself with my God — in the face of everyone. His banner over me is love!

And I look back and I wonder what has changed? Nothing, but a heart too pride to come at every beckoning and call. A heart too selfish to look beyond one’s thoughts.. But my Lord beckons me deeply and calls out my name. Out and away from thicket, and into more Grace. I want to encounter Him again. Encounter! Not just do devos, I want to meet with You Jesus! I want to love you again! Fill me Lord with more — each day a new revelation, a new song, a new dance — breaking strongholds in obedience to your word..

God take me deeper, set me free, I want you again!