pearbox : undefined

I’ve been feeling really discouraged, and overwhelmed lately… and talking it over with Mavis, I realize I’ve been trying to do a lot of things on my own strength, rather than listening to God for the specifics. Starting this chairing thing this year has been really tough, and I feel a personal bondage with the success of the fellowship. I know God has called me to this to prepare me to speak and do ministry– but I also know he has called me to lead this group of people… and I feel like if a ‘program’ has gone horribly misdirected that its somehow all my fault.. so instead I need to co-ordinate everything and control it all.. Which to say the least is very big mistake.

Ministry / Service is Worship to God — for His pleasure, that we might grow in our satisfaction in Him, by relying on Him and seeing Him work wonders through our simple steps of faith. And I feel like these past few weeks I’ve just completely missed the mark, God keeps bringing me back to it, but after I remember I seem to fall back in and drown again.

Anyways I was reading on the bus today the passage from Mark 6, after Jesus sends out the 12 disciples to cast out demons and heal the sick, and feeds the five thousand. The disciples are in a boat and a storm hits, Jesus walks on the water, they don’t recognize him and they freak out.. At the very end of that it says–

Mark 6:52 ESV
for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

And while reading this, I just felt God tugging at my heart… just reminding me at all the great things He has done in my life — especially in 1st and 2nd year, to bring me to this point, He’s commissioned me in the apostolic, He’s provided just in utter abundance for my finances last year this summer, and He just gave me a $4000 scholarship, and here I am sitting in my boat, and freaking out because I’m trying to row furiously to get out of this storm, when all I need is Jesus, all I need is to realize that the same God who is so gracious to me in academics, finances, my relationship is also operating and Lord over my ministry.

I just need to trust in Him, and instead of trying to do everything myself, I need to come and find sacred space, to seek His Face, His Heart, His Glory.. Its in His presence, that my heart is transformed, and my mind renewed.