To Know the Heart of the Father..
Its November already, and 3rd year is quickly zipping by… and I can’t help but feel that there has been something missing in my life these last two years… as compared to my first. I know my theology and previous experience shouldn’t define and restrict how God is going to work in me… but for the longest time as I’ve wrote before — there’s just this continual feeling of dissatisfaction to my spiritual life that was absent in my first year in University whence God was just blowing me away in every area of my life. And each day I would just come home and long and yearn to be in His presence..
My mind feels numb and bored lately, I’m finding myself more and more looking at those primitive things that I used to look at — tech blogs (think tabloids for geeks etc), which although nothing wrong in itself, shows signs that my heart is not fully satisfied in Him, and that I am searching and looking for something to satisfy my soul.. something to fill up the ‘God shaped’ hole in my life… and God being the great big God He is, that hole in my life seems to swallow anything and everything I try to throw at it… just a vast empty vacuum trying to drink out of an undying thirst; that is quenchable only by the Living Water that is Christ.
I’ve been wondering why, since the beginning of first year… and the other night just before as I was closing my eyes to sleep, the picture of a red book popped into my mind, and I felt God telling me to pick up and read Mike Bickle’s Passion for Jesus, Cultivating Extravagant Love for God, which I had ‘randomly’ purchased this summer to get a discount off Amazon.
So I’ve been reading the book since Thursday / Friday, and being reminded much of what my pursuit was in First year that birthed in me such passion, and yearning — for one purpose, and one purpose alone; which was simply to KNOW GOD! To cultivate a intimate love relationship with Him, to draw near to Him, to seek to know Him, held so close to His heart, that His thoughts, character, Heart would begin to conform to mine. To understand the mind and heart of my God. Just as David, A Man After God’s own heart — despite his busyness running the kingdom, fighting wars etc.. had one sole purpose:
Psalm 27:4 NKJV
One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.
To be in the presence of the Lord, to dwell in His house, to Behold the beauty — To Seek His Heart first and foremost, before all the busyness…
I feel like after being blown away by God in my first year — that these last two years have been much harder. Why? I think that out of my pride, I have felt like I learned so much, gained so much that it was my time to give, to pour out into others. Yet while pursuing that I have neglected my first love, and rather than continue in that love, in that Spirit of Grace to knowing God more in that deep way — I have picked up everything I’ve learned and tried to give it to others without further intimate knowledge of my God, and Bridegroom King. Not to say I have not gotten to know Him more these past few years, I have very much — but I have neglected to Sabbath rest, neglected His heart… and continued on my zeal… which alone is powerless to bring revival and the renewing of our minds.
I have worked, I have sought, I have waited for fresh revelation… but I think I missed one of the core things — to wait upon the Lord, to rest and be changed in His Holy Presence…
Daddy, Come and draw me after you - my heart has grown cold, I have come out of touch with your heart, and the things that your passion burns for. I long and yearn to come into your courts, to come into your presence again, but I cannot without a fresh revelation of your love for me, I love because you first love me.. so will you draw me into your intimacy again, romance me, enthrall me, let me behold your glory — hold me in your grace, envelope my heart with your perfect love… Daddy I want you, and I’m tired of trying to get to you — I know I cannot, but Jesus you have done it all… so please Lord draw me after you — I want to know you, I want to see your face, I want to hear your voice — I want to seek your heart, your presence, your glory, your renown. Come daddy take all of me again — fill me with more of you; less of me and more of you — secure me in your love, would you bring the first commandment to first place into my heart again… I surrender completely..