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Wrote this a week or so ago, but didn’t get to post this:

I finished Mike Bickle’s Passion for Jesus, Cultivating Extravagant Love for God last week which God gave me a picture to read, and its just been such an encouragement every chapter. God has been reminding numerous things from the simple facts of His love and grace for me, the precious treasure of intimacy of Him, or just giving me a new perspective into this life of obedience & entering into the promise of sabbath rest with Him.

So something I wanted to share earlier before al the busyness and chaos broke loose before I left, was just this feeling of unmet expectation and disappointment and just general discouragement with my service with CCF this year. Some of you might know my reason for serving for CCF has simply been of obedience, and not so much one of passionate desire to change and flourish the ministry. I was spending time with God back in April, and the idea Chair just repeatedly flooded in my head, so I agreed and stepped up for it. Then God was showing and teaching me a lot about campus revival and all this crazy stuff that He’s been doing around the world in this generation — and I got pretty fired up and excited. I didn’t feel like it was my call in particular, but where the Spirit moves there’s exciting stuff thats happening.

This year came by with a good start, most everyone on committee was on board with the new ideas, new structure, setting vision and meetings started off really really well. Setting prayer meetings as the priority over administrative stuff just to seek God’s heart, His presence in everything we do, was just really excited. School started, transition and everything went really well… and it was just really great
But for myself, lately I’ve found that when people ask me about CCF, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed because tho we’ve been going through all these changes and everything, my idea for the vision, to personally passionately and powerfully encounter God in our lives and on campus seems far off… I want that sooo much, but reality with my idealism simply isn’t connecting. I know it is God that brings revival, God that brings change and breakthrough.. and I’ve been praying and expecting for it… but it seems like nothing is changing.. Rather it seems like by abandoning  the traditional models of ‘fellowship structure’ — the fellowship is a lot smaller, and some friends who are very dear to my heart find little value in meeting every Wednesday… Sometimes I wonder if I’ve managed to “break” God’s fellowship… which doesn’t really make sense because it was in His sovereignty and His grace that he has set these things into motion, and that he will somehow see things through..

I was talking to Jesse a while ago and just talking with him, he perceived that there was a great deal of condemnation in my heart regarding ministry. And he reminded me to not only always look forward to the goals and visions and see the long way I still have to go, but to look back at the great distance I’ve already gone.

So back to Mike Bickle’s book, I was reading the last chapter and it was talking about Zechariah’s prophetic word to Zerubabble, who was to set up the reconstruction of Jerusalem after returning from Babylon, Zerubable was really discouraged as God told him,

Zechariah 4:6 ESV
Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts.

And further one:

Zechariah 4:10 ESV
For whoever has despised the day of small things shall rejoice, and shall see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel. “These seven are the eyes of the Lord, which range through the whole earth.”

Just reminding me again that it is the grace that He shows, we cannot force God’s hand in anything, not by zeal passion, prayers, or our exertion, but His kindness is for us, freely. He is the author and finisher of our faith, and when He starts something no matter how smart, insignificant, messay — He is faithful to finish and deliver us.

So I guess.. do not despise small beginnings.