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I remember back in first year — how my heart was so set on wanting more of God, and wanting just to go deeper in His love, deeper into His truths, and deeper into His Spirit — just that full blown abandonment to His love, that nothing else mattered. Just waking up each day to His presence, going on campus continually interceding and listening for his direction — and constantly being in awe of His love for me. My heart was so set on not settling for anything less than the perfect prize of knowing the Father, and obedience to His Spirit. No video games, tech blogs, homework, friendships/relationship — could take me away from being fully satisfied on His love. Because that alone was sustenance, that alone was good! God alone is good!

And spending sometime with God today and praying that he would deepen my desire for Him, that He would woe me again into His love; that I might be fully saturated in His love, and my life would be completely in His hands — that wherever he leads me I will obey and go, and that I might be on fire and completely sold to Him, really rewoke my desire, my hunger — and just my want to see Him at work in such a tangibly powerful way again.
Looking back, I really miss those times — just being soo floored and in awe of Him, being set so free — and carried by His Spirit wherever He would bring me. Not to think of that as a ‘certain’ level that defines my ’spirituality’ but that I have gone so deep, I have tasted and seen — but a glimpse of His love, and I know God has so much more in abundance for me too, sort of shakes up my imagination.

Sure I might not ‘feel’ as intune with God as I did first year — but I know so very much more of His love, I understand so much more about the Father’s heart and love for me. So I’m kinda looking forward to what God has in store this coming year. I know I’ve started this year with a great load of ambition to see revival, to see CCF encounter God personally, passionately, and powerfully in their lives and on campus; but I also know I’ve started this year with a bit of bitterness and grumbliness against God; not seeing His sovereign provision in this — but rather at all the areas in my life that were still hurting or underdeveloped.

John Arnott, the founding pastor of TACF spoke at North York today, and one of the things he mentioned at the beginning of his sermon, was for us to shift our focus from the ‘greatness’ of our problems, and revert our focus back to the GREATNESS OF GOD. That the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit dwells/abides in me, lives within me — works with me through everything. Its no longer I, who is striving to make a place or do a great work/impact in this world/society. But Almighty God - who works with and through me, and thus it is a Supernatural work.

Pastor John Arnott also spoke about God teaching us to be fisher of men. And God has really been bringing that up for me — and my lukewarmness in my Christian walk. In Luke 5:1-11, Jesus calls Simon (Peter), and upon performing the miraculous work of an overabundance of fish — Peter falls to His knees in confession of his sins and Jesus as Lord; and Jesus tells him not to be afraid, and that he (Peter) would be a fisher of men. Likewise, I feel that God has really been expanding my heart — individually and corporately for CCF. To just GO and make disciples of all nations. To no longer be stuck in our Christian bubbles, but to intentionally, prayerfully go out into the harvest — and make non-Christian friends, and share God’s love and blessings with them. Like I read today:

John 4:35 ESV
Do not say, ‘there are yet four months, then comes the harvest’? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest.

So inline with that — I just feel like I really want to get back to the heart of God, I want my heart to break for those things His heart breaks for. I want God to be my sole/soul satisfaction, that as I step out in faith — He would show up, and blow me away with His greatness, and I’m not satisfied to see this only in a prayer meeting or fellowship — but I want to see this in the harvest too!

Quick short post… but this song has really been pulling me through these past few weeks..

None But Jesus
Brooke Fraser

In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t re - fuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos
in confusion
I know You’re sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more

©2005 Sony / ATV Publishing Australia

I’ve been feeling really discouraged, and overwhelmed lately… and talking it over with Mavis, I realize I’ve been trying to do a lot of things on my own strength, rather than listening to God for the specifics. Starting this chairing thing this year has been really tough, and I feel a personal bondage with the success of the fellowship. I know God has called me to this to prepare me to speak and do ministry– but I also know he has called me to lead this group of people… and I feel like if a ‘program’ has gone horribly misdirected that its somehow all my fault.. so instead I need to co-ordinate everything and control it all.. Which to say the least is very big mistake.

Ministry / Service is Worship to God — for His pleasure, that we might grow in our satisfaction in Him, by relying on Him and seeing Him work wonders through our simple steps of faith. And I feel like these past few weeks I’ve just completely missed the mark, God keeps bringing me back to it, but after I remember I seem to fall back in and drown again.

Anyways I was reading on the bus today the passage from Mark 6, after Jesus sends out the 12 disciples to cast out demons and heal the sick, and feeds the five thousand. The disciples are in a boat and a storm hits, Jesus walks on the water, they don’t recognize him and they freak out.. At the very end of that it says–

Mark 6:52 ESV
for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

And while reading this, I just felt God tugging at my heart… just reminding me at all the great things He has done in my life — especially in 1st and 2nd year, to bring me to this point, He’s commissioned me in the apostolic, He’s provided just in utter abundance for my finances last year this summer, and He just gave me a $4000 scholarship, and here I am sitting in my boat, and freaking out because I’m trying to row furiously to get out of this storm, when all I need is Jesus, all I need is to realize that the same God who is so gracious to me in academics, finances, my relationship is also operating and Lord over my ministry.

I just need to trust in Him, and instead of trying to do everything myself, I need to come and find sacred space, to seek His Face, His Heart, His Glory.. Its in His presence, that my heart is transformed, and my mind renewed.

These past few days has been really hectic, draining emotionally, spiritually, physically just in every area for me. And I feel that God has been convicting me that I have been living quite an imbalanced life putting ministry all the planning and co-ordinating in the forefront when God has repeatedly beckoned for me to go to Him. Just like in Mary and Martha, I’ve somehow found myself cluttered with busyness instead of intimacy with God.

And because of that I’m tired. I’m doing so much and not spending time in silence and meditation or entering in the manifest presence and glory of God, not listening to God for the specifics He has for me. And as that consumes me, my ministry, my busyness becomes my idol; and it begins to creep into my heart wanting to declare itself my god, and object of my affections… it wants to define me and shape me.. trying to make me its ‘child.’

And Satan sees that and tempts me to despair — pushing my focus, my identity, my value, my worth and everything onto performance or ‘how things are going.’ And yesterday I just felt so drained and tired, so bogged down because of that lie, that feeling — that I’m totally spent but its still not enough… there’s always always more ministry and busyness to do.

So I just want to confess and repent of that — for believing the lies, despairing and losing hope — for trading intimacy for busyness..

Daddy –
I ask for more love, more power, just more of You in my life, cause God I’m tired of trying everything on my own, you have shown me countless of times that its not in what I do, but simply trusting you and doing the specific things which you commit to me to do. So Lord this year — for my relationship, my ministry, my academics, finances, everything — Lord would I begin it with you, and as you start it — you would finish it. You have called me to the office of chair, but my identity, worth, value, is in You. My Delight is in You! No one else, nothing else — completely in you; So Spirit would you come and deepen those convictions, consume the darkness, the lies which hold me back from serving you from trusting you in all areas — holistic. Lord I repent, and I ask that you would let my heart beat for the things which your heart beats and breaks for.. Daddy send revival to York, Bring the Harvest in — I’m ready to Go daddy… send me — send fire, and would your children dance in your river — delighting in you, The Joy of the Lord is our strength!
Secure me, Secure us — completely in your love, and nothing else.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

My Identity, Worth and Value –
I am not a chairperson. I am a child of God.
I am not defined by what I do, study, or preach, but by what Jesus has already done for me on the Cross.
I do because I already am.
I obey, because my victory is secure in Him.
So let me not rely on my own will, to do what He has accomplished — the impossible.
Instead, I strain forward to do what He has prepared for me to do — good works;
That He might be glorified, and I most satisfied in intimacy and reliance on Him.

Daddy God –
take my heart, my soul, my mind, my entire being, and consecrate it… for your purpose. Outside of you I know I can do nothing to sell vision, to persuade a crowd, to preach, to convince the hearts of your people. All you require is for me to listen and obey, listen and convey your word, to trust in you — that in your Sovereignty and Providence, your Spirit will convict your children, your people — and that you would stir in the hearts of this generation a mighty army of intercessors, preachers, prophets, healers, teachers and the like — to bring your kingdom to campus… that Revival Fire might once again mark our dark campuses… Father, I repent on behalf of my campus — for the abominations that are set before you… and I ask that you would use me, and this generation to wage war in the high places and purge such idols and evil from your sight. I repent on behalf of York of the sexual assaults that happen every month and I ask that you would bring revival, that You would change the spiritual atmosphere — bring Justice to York Jesus! That your will will be done on York University as it is in Heaven — and your Children would shine as bright lights to bring glory to your name– Let your Kingdom Come — Daddy I pray that this generation would not be marked by revival, or the ministries, or the people they bring to Christ, but they would be marked by your Spirit, covered by your blood — let our identity, worth, value, evaluation of success be in you alone. fix our eyes upon you –

Song of Songs 6:3a
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.

3:18 PM, at school and just feeling pretty anxious for this upcoming year… ‘Officially’ starting 3rd year of university… and its strange, as much as I love school, and love being on campus… I feel at loss… I’m feeling somewhat shocked that I’m here.. that school is starting, that CCF officially starts tonight in a mere 2 hours… a bit bewildered I guess… that its all here and starting… Academically, this is suppose to be the best year so far — really getting into the nit & gritty of my program.. and I’d usually be really excited, but I actually feel really stressed… I guess its this whole thing about being Chair, and not really looking too much to next week when I stand before my brothers and sisters and share this new vision and new reform… *sighs*

I don’t really know what to think.. but just trying to hang on to this verse that God impressed so deeply in my heart last year –

Philippians 4:6 ESV
(The Lord is at Hand v. 5) do not (COMMAND!!) be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

so bleh.. here we go…

Courses I’m taking this year –
AS PHIL 3265 Philosophy of Mind
AS PHIL 3635 Phil. Foundations of Cognitive Science
AS COGS 3750 Foundations of Artificial Intelligence
AS PSYC 2220 Sensation and Perception I
AS LING 3220 Psycholinguistics
AS PSYC 2120 Social Psychology
GL NATS 3640 Psychological Studies of Language
FA FILM 1701 Hollywood: Old and New

I was reading today..

1 John 4:20-21 ESV
If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

I need to remember that..

Ephesians 6:12 ESV
For we do not wrestle against flesh, and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

God would you teach me to be humble, and sustain and preserve humility in my heart. I ask that Lord you would cool the fires of anger, and quench it with the cool rivers of your spirit. Would you alone be enthroned in my heart, not anger, not pride, not self-righteousness — but would replace that with love, humility, peace, and joy. Daddy I can’t do this… I want to explode and blow things up… but I know the battle belongs to you and you are good, and you provide. Father help me in this time of trouble, preserve me — let me not sin against you or against man…
by His blood, and the finished work of the cross,
Sin has lost its power, and death its sting — Amen.

This was a picture I took last week in Kat’s Worship Sunday School / Choir class, and it really got me thinking about Jaffray and perhaps many of the reasons why I’ve been thinking about leaving these past few years. (more of a clarification / official post than the last one)

In Grade 11, when I was co-chairing Hosanna (the High School Fellowship) with my best friend Gabriel, and we helped establish a new ‘culture’ of community into our then cliquey fellowship. I still remember discussing with the committee how we knew a lot of people didn’t like hosanna or weren’t motivated to come because they didn’t really find a home or were cared for.

So we implemented this paradigm of ’splash’ where we looked at a water drop in a pond as a metaphor to the social circles in the fellowship — The popular groups were in the middle (with the most action) and the fringe / lonely people were on the edges, ready to drift off from coming to church / fellowship. To solve this we decided we as committee - would intentionally go to those at the edge and become a ‘water droplet’ to create an epicenter of action / involvement with these people. That way even if they were ‘fringe’ off the mainstream social circle, they were involved and ‘in the spot light’ in this new social circle that was created; and therefore each person would be involved in community.

Then in first year university — in my seeking of God, God blew me away at CCF showing me there was so much more to Fellowship than just pure community. Here I found people who met together regularly to pray and disciple and share with one another. And my dissatisfaction with just community began to grow, and at one point I grew very bitter at my Church fellowship because I felt like we were missing such a major thing! I grew up in the Church but it took 10 years for me to understand (heart knowledge) what Christianity really meant (to know God). And I felt like — what good is the church if it had no community and no discipleship?

In first year God also birthed in my heart a thirst and hunger to seek God’s heart in prayer… simply to intercede and encounter God a fresh each day. And this stirred in my heart another discontent that our Church didn’t pray (e.g. as a fellowship via prayer meetings). And it just felt really frustrating because God had made prayer such a major part in my life — that if we don’t seek His heart or grow in our knowledge of Him, then whats the point?

So this past Sunday, I went to Kat’s class and she switched things around and instead of the bible study component, we spent half the class praying in small groups / in a big group — and for a long time, I felt a deep hope, and joy well up inside of me. Just to see a glimpse of the potential at Jaffray, and the power of unity and reliance on God. Something was different — and I really liked it… and part of me didn’t want to leave, because I felt this was good and it was on the right path. And that ’something’ that I felt was missing was restored to completeness

In Acts I was reading about the fellowship of the early believers, and it says:

Acts 2:42 ESV
And they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching, and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers.

The (corporate) devoted to teachings (Jesus’ Commands / Great Commission), Fellowship (community), breaking of bread (food/communion) and praying.

So as I say farewell, I guess I just really hope that God would continue to move powerfully, that He would set the hearts of my brothers and sisters Jaffray for Him, that we would yearn to be in His presence, and seek after Him with boldness in prayer. It is something I feel that we deeply need. God is moving powerfully here — He has a great work for this church, but He will not force himself in — we need to invite Him in that we might partner in His Spirit — to see the community come to Christ.

I’m sad that I’m leaving, I’d love stay and see God change Jaffray, but — I know God has called me elsewhere. So again, nothing personal to anyone or the leadership; I simply need a praying community which I can find rest, and ‘training’ for future ministry

Thanks everyone
God Bless (:

Just got back from the Surge, and just an awesome awesome time encountering the ONE TRUE AND LIVING GOD and listening to Jesse preach the Word. Awesome Awesome time of prayer and just seeking after God’s heart for revival, for the harvest and the campuses –

Guess prayer requests are –
1. For Unity & Desperate Passion to for the lost, and to seek York University set on fire with revival fire, for the lost to encounter Christ personally, powerfully and passionately.

2. For Boldness & dissatisfaction of always looking inwards — but to GO and truly make disciples, to join non-Christian clubs and let God’s presence and glory come manifest in every house, that the harvest might taste and see how REAL, how good and beautiful Christ truly is

3. Finally for myself — God really challenged me to do something different today. In midst of prayer & worship I looked up and I saw a banner that said “Here I am send me” and just felt in my heart that was like a symbolic declaration a banner over this generation — that it would be the cry in our heart; That the harvest is plentiful and the workers are feel — but that the cry of “Here I am send me” would be in this generation and we would Go and pursue the lost. I felt kinda fearful, and just that stirring in my heart gave me courage to step forward… right when the worship leader got to a verse ab out making ready our feet to go, and just remembering when God first told me to go talk to some random person in first year… just to share that and pray over the leaders and members there…

So thats all good and all… but just as we were ‘closing off’ when Matt was praying, felt really dizzy, kind of nautious… my hearing quit… felt like i was going to faint… and after praying — could barely walk back down to the pews..

I’m ok now… got lots to prep for this weekend CCF stuff, still feeling kind of weak — but please pray for me— thinking of staying home tomorrow, just rest and seek God..

All Glory to Him!

Jesse shared a “picture” or “dream” or whatever you want to call it, and it was that of an island surrounded by water — and on the island there is a beam of light from heaven on a really nice church with a pretty cross on it, and inside there are a bunch of Christians having all out worship and really good programs, just really good fellowship time. And when you zoom out — you realize that outside of this church off the island of ‘paradise’ in the ocean there are thousands of people screaming and drowning in the ocean. The church decides to have a coffee house or outreach program and they go outside of the four walls and go near the edge of the island — they look out and they see that its cold and scary, so rather than getting themselves wet — they just yell out to the people to come, not everyone can make it or even hear them, but a few come and they come on the island and they enter into this paradise of worship… but the whole bunch of ppl are still lost at sea..

Those in the church are the fellowships and churches on campus — the 4% of already saved Christians , the rest are the 96% of people on campus who have not yet heard or met with the living God who is mighty to save…

Christ being in all glory and majest, emptied himself and came down in the flesh that he might love us, and bring us into fellowship with the Father. Christ went out from his ‘paradise’ of perfect fellowship with the Father and the Holy Spirit, left that perfect place and went out from that ‘island’ and dove straight in that he might help us get to the shore, that he might save us — but we kicked him, bruised him and pushed him down into the ocean — rejecting his love, that we can try to make it on our own… but Jesus overcame that..

How much more as His children — do we have to GO, than just sit in our cozy pews, and fellowships singing our songs, having awesome programs while all the world around us is drowning in sin, drowning to the very pits of darkness — Hell…?

There’s this song — I learned back in June at the Hillsong Concert and it really resonates with my heart, and what I see God unleashing over this generation..

Hosanna
Brooke Fraser

I see the King of Glory
coming on the clouds with fire
the whole earth shakes
the whole earth shakes, yea…

I see His love and mercy
washing over all our sin
the people sing
the people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith
with selfless faith

I see a near revival
stirring as we pray and seek
we’re on our knees
we’re on our knees

open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You
have loved me
break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause ****
as I walk from earth into eternity

Amen.

I was spending time with God this past weekend and was feeling kind of down about myself again (as is usual after a ministry event). Just felt like as chair I wasn’t doing a really good job, and I wasn’t sure why I was doing it in the first place.

Back in February-March, before the elections I wasn’t really sure where God wanted me to serve for this upcoming year. I didn’t really have a burden or some radical discontent of wanting to change or reform something. I simply asked God what He wanted to do and well.. when I was praying in my room the idea of ‘CCF CHAIR’ continually bombarded my thoughts for a few days; and talking to a few of my brothers and sisters; got the confirmation that this was indeed something God was leading me towards. Then Elections, and I found myself in the very spot that God had called me to.

So coming back to last week, I felt like I had no idea what God wanted me to do. I personally didn’t really want to do it in the first place, and what with all the mounting attacks with getting really sick, emotionally getting tossed and turned every which way, I think it would be so much easier if I just went back to being a normal committee member or simply step down and just study, work, and do a bit of ministry here and there. It would be easier on my relationship with Mavis, easier financially, and easier in just I wouldn’t have to lead and come face onto a lot of my major struggles / hurts.

I just felt like… “God? Why are you doing this? I feel so inadequate and I feel like everything is just going to flop…” In some ways you could say I felt like God had placed this tremendous burden on me, for seemingly no reason — just to spite me or something. But I know that God has a reason and that His purposes are to strengthen me and stretch me, to prepare me for future ministry stuff, whatever that is.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And just as I was reflecting on how I was feeling… I remembered how back in first year I would be so full in in God’s presence — just in every moment, my heart was that of a Lover and every moment I got, I’d love to just read His word and soak deep in scripturally based teachings. So I started fiddling with Songbird to subscribe to DesirngGod’s sermon feed, and somehow got led to a sermon, The Word of God Abides in You, and You Have Overcome the Evil One by one of my favorite preachers, John Piper.

The sermon was centered around,

1 John 2:14 ESV (emphasis mine)
I write to you, fathers, because you know him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

And Pastor John exposited why/how each of those underlined items relate to each other. I won’t talk too much about it, you should just go read/listen to it yourself.

But one major thing that really helped me was Pastor John’s point over how by abiding in the word we over come the devil, and that we have an advocate in heaven, that is in Christ Jesus. In heaven there is God and Satan, and Satan is bringing about a huge list of complaints and accusations against us — His children. He’s listing out all our sins and arguing with God how utterly unworthy we are and how much we deserve to be condemned. But Jesus as our ‘propitiation’ or substitute and advocate is there with his blood covering us, his hands, feet, and body marked for us… And after each one of Satan’s accusations — God lets them fall because of the finished work of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord.

Our guilt, our shame, our sins — have all been washed away; from crimsons stains we are washed as white as snow. By His blood we are and continually are being made pure and Holy.

That being said, a lot of times, Christians, and myself especially ‘listen in’ and buy into each of those lies that Satan presents. They are truthful lies — because indeed anyone of our sins no matter how big or small already condemns us to Hell. But they are lies because The Truth has set us free — and God has redeemed us completely.

So after the sermon I was just lying on my bed talking to God about it, and this idea popped into my head, and I just felt God reminding me that Satan’s accusations are not simply condemnation to Hell. But his accusations also include that of what we can/cannot do. And I just felt like y’know Satan has been before the throne of God and yelling out his accusations not simply for my condemnation but also for my inadequacy, unworthiness to serve God as chair or do ministry in general.

Satan is there yelling his head off how Perry is so disorganized with all the CCF stuff, how He isn’t clear at all when he communicates the vision, or the ‘new structure’ and how Perry is kind of behind, and messing this up or that up. And there is truth in that. I’ll admit I haven’t been ‘on top of my game’ and doing the best I really could do… and I’ll admit I’m not the best and clearest communicator, but none of that matters. Because God has redeemed me, and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (Phil 4:13). Those lies do not have power over me any longer.

To me its like… the most simplest thing I’ve learned it over and over in Sunday school but its like click! This is actually starting to make sense.. on a deeper level. Its one thing to ‘know’ that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength, but totally another to go and do all things through Him who gives me strength. “head Knowledge” and “heart knowledge” — theology and faith.

So God used that sermon to encourage me a lot, and He’s also rebirthed in my heart just that yearning and wanting to settle for nothing less. I’ve been letting busyness and exhaustion and other priorities get in the way of intimacy with God this past while, but no more — seriously, just to renew my convictions on consecration; and to set myself a part for Christ. To embrace the Word, the sword of the Spirit and to live in freedom, breaking down the lies of the devil, and embracing the free grace and promises he has opened for us.

I want to really love God again, to live in radical faith, no more of this lukewarmness — God I’m coming after you! No more self defeatedness, no more feeding on media infused junk food; no more busyness ruling over my life; its all for You and You alone!, so Take It All!

Like it says on my wall –

“… in every area, continuously, at all times..”

Like a lovesick lover — can’t stop thinking about you, wanting you, listening to you, always always talking to you, if not talking about you.. I wake up and its You, I’m on the bus its You, when I study its you, when I sleep its you; in every moment I want to saturate myself with you..

God seal this desperation and love in my heart; and let not Satan take it away… my life is in your hands God — take me wherever you want me to go –

I am yours completely.