pearbox : undefined

Since last week whence CCF stuff has started up — been getting a lot of attacks physically (fevers, stomach aches, headaches, extra-tiredness etc.) and emotionally/spiritually - mildly depressed, massively discouraged about CCF stuff, myself, and when I get tired and rational thinking goes too…

So really just not a very happy Perry, despair is getting the better of me somewhat…
Just lots contending for my intimacy with God–

so please pray :’(

Thank You.

I’ve been feeling kind of discouraged these past few days after the CCF barbecue, feeling a lot of inadequacy and fear being stirred up, and just wondering why God chose me? When I feel so little, so lacking in gifting and potential. A lot of people say that I have a lot, but sometimes I really wonder and look at my life… and see nothing. nothing at all. Kind of depressing and disheartening (note: this is  how I feel sometimes, not really how I think). Just that feeling of self defeated-ness / belittlement tempting me into its snare.

The barbecue overall was pretty good, pretty chill — but a few instances where one of my committee members pushed me to take initiative to pray or start the ‘organized’ part of it, I backed down because 1) I wanted to wait till the food was out of the way 2) I didn’t want to interrupt the really good social / sharing time 3) I didn’t think I could get everyone’s attention.

And while thats such a small thing and perfectly alright.. after the whole ordeal when I got back into my room to be with God I couldn’t feel regret and just that feeling like “argh! Perry you could’ve done so much better!” that feeling like I’m a disappointment and y’know just ‘whatever.’ And I was just sitting on my bed feeling kinda sad/rejected and asked “God were you even pleased with any of that? Just a word just let me know you smiled over that!” Finding no answer i just fell asleep..

And the next morning when I woke up and was preparing to go to work, my mom shared with me a mini devotion, and told me “God is pleased with what you do, even if you mess up.” I felt kinda encouraged — God’s bit of humor in getting through to me when I feel so out of it.

I asked my mom where the passage was from and she quoted 2 Corinthians 8:12 which says,

2 Corinthians 8:12 ESV
For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have.

This confused me a bit regarding how she got to “God is pleased with me even if I mess up,” when the verse talked about God’s acceptance of a gift and one’s willingness to give according to what God has given him / her.

But whatever… I thought more about the passage, and like a fat birdie, Satan came and gobbled up that scripture, turning it from a word of encouragement to this deceptive lie/challenge that a gift is pleasing only when it is according to what God has given a person. And the question of whether my serving at the bbq was pleasing because IF I am as everyone says so ‘gifted, with so much potential etc. etc’ then I obviously failed to give according to what He has given me. Otherwise I am not truly richly gifted and its ‘ok’ that I messed up because well God hasn’t given me much. Both of which are lies! Because our worth value, and ability to please God is not based on what we do or say — but in what Jesus did for us on the cross — adopting us as His beloved children into relationship with Him.

So I was just wrestling with some of those lies, and that reawakened sense of inadequacy, especially in terms of this upcoming year. I feel like a little radical fireball of change, but somehow I am not adequate enough or do not have enough to follow through with my tremendous ambitions… just feeling disheartened and discouraged.. hopeful, passionate, but just that tremendous fear and uncertainty of not being able to pull through
Then just a few hours ago, after cleaning my room I found a few handbooks in my closet from YCCF, Campus Challenge, and the Alliance Joint Missions Conference (where I got my major call to ministry/my life in its entirety surrendered and given over to Christ) and I was just reading some of the sermons and notes.. and God just hit me with some revelation –

Excerpt from JMC 05 Conference Sermons
- When we look back to our testimony, we find that God never lets our inadequacy come in the way. (e.g. inadequacy to become holy / earn righteousness)
- God has compassion beyond what we deserve
- When Jesus had compassion He held no reserve even when it was His last days
- So we should be like Christ, and take every opportunity NOW.
- Life is short, GO! or you may pass your chance
- Hell is REAL And we need to see people like Christ did - going towards that direction, and we need to have compassion on them.
- Can you see the reality? millions all wayward bound towards darkness
- Our Life is in God’s hand, we need to surrender it completely to Him - life or death.
- Death is not a thing only for the old but it is a present reality.
- Take what opportunity you have and GO, Love for God is 1st priority!
- We need to care about what He cares about.
- If we feel empty, that means we are misaligned with God’s will (e.g. not first place)
- God takes care of His own, we need to seek not our own, but His will.
- God truly delights when His children work for Him
- “Not unless a kernel of wheat falls… - our lives are like that
- not about meeting a quota - but being a blessing to the world.
Q - what are you doing with your kernel of life? saving it? invest it! Give it away!
-DO NOT BELITTLE YOURSELF - God works through the smallest things!
- Never! Ever! Settle for Less! Finish race before even thinking of stopping!

Humbleness - makes us usable
- We need God to sustain us in humility
- It is not about doing something BIG for God!
- Its about serving humbly, because in humility God does BIG things through us.

I know its a mess of bits of my sermon notes from the whole conference, but its interesting to hear again the commission that God had begun to work on and in me back 2005, for those very specific things that hold me in stronghold against my call.

But yah… after reading that just spend more time with God and just His presence close by again, and the conviction of pride — that verse from James

James 4:6 NKJV
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:
“ God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

Just realizing how prideful I have become in this ‘new idea,’ in my philosophical reasoning, in my own certain little strengths, how my life is a temple of God that I first set out to set apart wholly consecrated for worship, but I have instead profaned his sanctuary for myself…

Ezekiel 7:20 ESV
His beautiful ornament they used for pride, and they made their abominable images and their detestable things of it. Therefore I make it an unclean thing to them.

And just reading trough the first 10 or so chapters of Ezekiel these past few days… the Wrath and Fear of the Lord… Understanding first His love and mercy for me; and then seeing again how wrathfully just, How intolerant of sin; how utterly Holy and Jealous He is for our hearts… just everything.. so hard to describe; but just reading it… so powerful, so captivating in a scary yet peaceful kind of way…. knowing that Jesus’ blood covers me and I have been set free, yet not wanting to err anymore — I don’t want to be like the Israelites who though so blessed and loved by Jehovah turned to sin, mistaking His love as rubbish. I want to sing and dance, and shout aloud with all of who I am for His Glory, but truly truly what a sorry thing it is to fall into the hands of the Wrathful God who is our Lord.

Just feel the Spirit moving, convicting and teaching me compassion and humility again. How I long for those days the days working at Yorkland and whipping out my evangecube during free time and drawing away kids from all the other counselors to share the goodness and love of Jesus Christ with them. The days from first year — just to be in that yearning romance of intimate consummate love and conversation with God. At every moment, taking a new challenge everyday — living free and led in the Spirit. Just seeking God, and God seeking after me — going deeper, enthralled completely in His love. Before the days of complicated philosophy and the poison that is in the worldly doctrines. To live free in His love — full just brimming over, fully fed and lavished in His love. Free of what other people say, free of fear, to be completely myself with my God — in the face of everyone. His banner over me is love!

And I look back and I wonder what has changed? Nothing, but a heart too pride to come at every beckoning and call. A heart too selfish to look beyond one’s thoughts.. But my Lord beckons me deeply and calls out my name. Out and away from thicket, and into more Grace. I want to encounter Him again. Encounter! Not just do devos, I want to meet with You Jesus! I want to love you again! Fill me Lord with more — each day a new revelation, a new song, a new dance — breaking strongholds in obedience to your word..

God take me deeper, set me free, I want you again!

One of the things that God has been bringing up this past while is the whole idea of giving your life, all of your life over to Jesus. And by that I don’t just mean conversion, or even living a completely surrendered life of worship in every area and in every moment, but also the tough question of, “Are you willing to give up your life for Jesus?” (Note: I’m not promoting Christian fanaticism or human sacrifices of any kind).

Earlier this month when we were at The Call, one of the lead intercessors was praying for revival and for a generation not afraid to die for Jesus, and Mavis (my girlfriend) asked me what I thought/would do if 15 years later she died. I was stunned at the question and asked her why she asked that. She told me that when she thought of death, what more meaningful way to die than to die for God and His glory. And while I agreed, this sudden heaviness just broke over my heart, and I realized I wasn’t sure I could say the same thing.

God has blessed me so immensely in His Grace these past two years — showing me how deep His love and forgiveness is for me, how faithful He is to provide and follow through on His promises. In simply Surrender my will and seek His heart, he would make every area of my life (e.g. academics, finances, relationship etc.) just came together without me pursuing them.

And for a moment just the thought of losing Mavis (the most important part of it all, aside from God) made me want to cry and plead with daddy for mercy. Not that I deserved any of the blessings in the first place, but there was that excruciating heartbreak and insecurity that comes at the thought of losing someone you genuinely, deeply and sincerely love. And tears just streamed down my face, I felt like I couldn’t worship or pray anymore. I stopped and two thoughts came to mind - 1 a lie from Satan saying How could I worship such a mean God? and 2 - conviction from the Holy Spirit that my heart wasn’t fully surrendered and that I needed to repent and surrender Mavis before I could go on.

So after leaving and spending some alone time with God, I was reminded that it was God that brought us together, and it is God whom we depend on to keep us together not by our own works and efforts; His Grace Alone. And I felt God saying this very thing was what I had asked for — my one and sole requirement for a girlfriend was (outside of being Chinese :p) was for her to love God more than she loves me. God also asked me if truly I love and trust Him, that if He took everything away would I still love Him?

For me while I do love God more than I love her, I needed to surrender our dreams and just let trust God and let him fill us and our relationship with an abundance of grace and love in my life.

Luke 9:24 ESV
For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.

When I read this verse, the word life does not apply simply to life and death; but it includes everything - our dreams, goals, ambitions what we want etc — the ‘life’ that we want to live.

And so from that experience - the idea of death for Christ, or martyrdom has been on my mind. That uneasy question - if a gun was pointed at me right now and I was asked if I believe in Jesus.. would I? or if I was called to Afghanistan to minister and provide aid — knowing that there’s a high chance of not returning would I? If just like The Vision i could “[...] lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.” Would I? Lay down everything we have ever worked for, lived for, and loved?” Christ did.

I suppose you wouldn’t know, until that very moment. But the principle stands if the first commandment to love God is first place in your heart and your life then you will have no problem answering that question…

Philippians 1:21 ESV
For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

I was reading about the South Korean Youth Pastor who got kidnapped and shot eight times by the Taliban the other day, and felt God ask me — what if that was you? would you be willing to live your life down for the lost?

Important: Please pray for the Christian relief team that is still held hostage! & petition

God has been stirring an unreconciled relationship in the back of my mind, and the more i think about it, the more the unreleased anger and bitterness combines wants to explode…

God I confess, and I want to repent for my bitterness for my anger… but daddy I don’t know how to forgive this person, you know who he/she is, what he/she has done, and I want justice! I want to go and fight I want to draw blood — ARGH!!! the more I think about it the angrier I get daddy, teach me love that conquerors vengence, but teach me holiness and integrity that i might not tolerate injustice — daddy show me how to deal with this … it has such massive repercussions :S i don’t know what to do; the battle belongs to you….

Edit: I think God has settled it, learning to let go and let God — thanks for praying for me (:

Found this little gem:

THE VISION

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause. A million times a day its soldiers
choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don’t you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo’s! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.

-Pete Grieg.

Happy 6 months sweetheart!! I love you ~!

To many more seeking His heart and his glory, together. (:

Praise God! Thanks daddy!

Quick Short post while I wait for my managers to come up with more work for me :p

For the past half a year — God has been bringing me through a lot of inadequacy stuff, a lot of independence and really just identity and self-worth issues especially regarding parents; particularly my dad.

God has been teaching me over and over again that I do not need to “do” or “become” in order to earn his love. Instead its grace, “undeserved kindness.” Where he loves me, and therefore I am; and it is my pleasure and overflow of my heart & response to Him that I do the things I do. (E.g. spend time with God, ministry, integrity etc.)

2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

IS - I AM a new creation. present tense! I do not and cannot add anything to that.

Pretty simple truths theologically, quite another realm to live it out in every other area of my life.

I’ve been reading John Eldridge’s Wild at Heart, and something God’s been bringing up is just the deep wound from my dad I have that has accumulated since I was very little even till now.

That wound is absence. Ever since I was really little, my dad has always been really busy providing for the family, doing this and that to make sure me and my mom (later my sister) has what we need. He did the arrangements for immigrating here when I was 1ish, worked hard to support me through private school and university all my life. And I know he loves me a lot, but for a growing boy — He was never really emotionally or physically there.

I remember in my childhood, he was there really on a few occasions. The first was when I got beat up in grade 1 by some german kid. He brought me into this park and tried to teach me ’self defense’ (albeit not official so not really effective). The other ones were when we were doing home renovations (painting, building cupboards, plumbing, this car bed thing when i was little changing a tire etc.,). He would call me to learn these really practical ‘man’ things to do.

I remember he would give me a tool and I would get really excited because I got attention from my dad and could get his approval by trying to do something. Of course being the little kid with no experience holding onto a tool to ‘fix’ furniture or something is kind of scary and my dad would take it back and tell me to watch him do it first. Each time this would happen, and though my dad’s intention was out of love to make sure I don’t hurt myself or break a hole in the wall or something.

Inside, I took it this as rejection that I couldn’t do it properly (inadequacy), as a flaw in my character, as punishment for being adventurous and trying to figure it out on my own. Furthermore, because my dad had to support the family He wasn’t ever really there to affirm me and establish me; to reverse those points in my life. Instead Satan took opportunity of this and drove these lies deep into my heart…

And God has been working so much to just reverse each of these this past while. As Alex pointed out — most of my post this past year has in some way somehow involved inadequacy or fear.

Again a reminder to myself: my joy, my worth, value, and identity rests simply in this: God loves me, and I love God.

The Chorus to one of the songs we sang at the Call 07 07 07 was:

“I’m in love with God and God’s in love with me, this is who I am and this is who I’ll be and that settles it. Completely.” (Always on Your Mind, Misty Edwards)

The First commandment restored to first place in our hearts (:

Daddy, I love you God, and Father I repent and lift this deep wound up to you. I repent of my bitterness, of my anger, my unsurrendering heart on this issue. I repent of the spirit of legalism/religiosity of just trying to always earn love. Always trying to gain approval in the eyes of man, instead of being approved by you and walking in your Grace. Daddy I forgive my dad and ask for Your forgiveness. Your blood washes me as white as snow, your Spirit comes as a fire and softens my heart. God replace the emptiness of hurt with the fullness of you. Let me not conform to this pattern but laying it aside I want more of you God, I love you conform me to your likeness, pattern me after you; that I might receive more of your love and those of my friends In Jesus Name Amen.

So yah, thats a bit of my sharing — hope it encourages you
One more thing I read this morning really encouraged me (:

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, cause God enjoys you just the way you are and wouldn’t want you to be anyone else. You might not be where you want to be, but thank God you are not where you used to be. Enjoy yourself today cause God thinks you are wonderful.” Really Jaeson Ma.

A month or so ago, I had breakfast with Rev. Arthur (my English pastor @ Jaffray) and we were just catching up with everything that has been going on in my life in the past year (CCF, girlfriend, what God has been teaching me and leading me etc.) and we began talking about Jaffray. He mentioned that I might not find ‘what I need’ at Jaffray (since God is leading me in another direction) and that if I left to pursue those things — that I would have his blessing. Further he told me that no matter where I go, Jaffray would still welcome me anytime — as its my home church.

This was really encouraging because — for the many weeks leading up to that, I’ve been feeling pretty out of place. Most of the out of town university people are back, my best friends (gabes/kat) are back — but everyone is either really busy, or has their groups or ‘cliques’ all their inside jokes and what not (which are perfectly fine) but its just like I can’t seem to really connect deep at all. Maybe its because I’ve been away and busy myself, or its because of my ‘quiet’ more ’serious’ personality, or simply that I hate small talk… but in either way I just really struggle to find my home at Jaffray because it just feels like except for a few (who are out of town) no one really genuinely cares in the ‘deeper’ sense. Its great community, great friendship, I love all of you guys — but just not what my soul needs at this time — but still it was just encouraging to know Jaffray is still open and people still do genuinely care in that way, and to know that I had my Pastor’s blessing to go (:
(Note: I’m not accusing jaffray or aletheia, the leaders or members of not caring or not ‘feeding’ me or whatever; you guys are doing a great job!)

Ever since first year (Fall 2005) as many of you know I’ve been contemplating switching churches. Ever since God set my heart ablaze for Him in pursuing to know Him, pursue His heart and live in radical complete surrender and faith in Him. There has this deep longing in my heart for more — more God, more of His word, more of His Spirit — just this crying out — that GOD!!! I WANT TO KNOW YOU MORE!!!

And going from a great regularly meeting community from a wide variety of churches at CCF back to the church I grew up in, I felt there was a definitely something missing. Maybe it was the people and God’s exceptional transformation and anointing in their lives, maybe it was God paving the way showing me there was so much more than I had grown to know and expect. Maybe its because people were passionate and deeply reliant on prayer and dependence on God? Maybe its all in my perception? Whatever it was something just didn’t sit well with me — at Jaffray. My soul longed and thirsted to know God more in an intimate real tangible manifesting way– but it wasn’t quenched..

So I decided to push for reform — its the same God at York, at CCF, in the Bible, AND at Church!! so why is there something missing? I wrote long protesting letters, zealously rebuked some of brothers and sisters, I talked to my pastors, started prayer meetings etc etc.. but nothing seemed to budge. No change! And just the burden of knowing there’s more, the frustration of fruitless pushing, the anger at the insincerity of community / prayer just built up and in my heart became one black ball of bitterness and hadheartedness.

I wanted change, I wanted my friends to ginosko intimately know/experience God as a GOD that is ALIVE! I wanted to share the fiery passion and relentless desire for Him — to taste and see all His goodness. But I tried on my own power. I became legalistic, a Christian Pharisee.

And just in this past year — God has been humbling me a lot in this area. Teaching me to submit to authority regardless of the great abundance He has entrusted me. Teaching me to be more receptive and open to new things — you can say I’m being liberal, and maybe I am but He has been showing me the fruits of lots of things. Opening my heart to charismatic, emergent, even them ‘contemplative’ stuff I’ve been shunning with fiery skepticism. Giving me understanding into the differences in style of worship - Charismatic / Traditional — and letting me just lay down my preconceptions and bitterness and just look to Him, look to the cross and see Him and His work unfolding in midst of man’s and my own mistakes etc.

So ending off second year — I was settled. God convicted me of my bitterness and I decided that even though I might not it in or whatever I would stay with my church and I would commit to its well being so long as God wanted me to stay.

My aspirations to grow in the apostolic / prophetic / preaching might not be met, but I am called to love these people, to pray for them and in understand them.

So I gave that up to God and the last few months at Jaffray I’ve been going around talking / sharing with people praying for people — for their sickness or hurts and things. Pretty simple ministry things

And then my pastor’s blessing came by, opening the possibility of change once again. I have not made my final decision, but I feel quite at peace in switching to the new TACF (Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship) satellite Church thats starting up in September targetting North York and York University.

It feels like an appropriate window of transition as in Jaffray my Senior Pastor has decided to leave, Alex is heading south to seminary; and TACF side - is opening up. Leaving at the close of an ‘era’ and Entering into the start of another ‘era.’

My reasons for switching are mostly for my own growth in terms of expanding my understanding, activating/developing my gifts which at Jaffray wouldn’t have an occasion to be activated etc. Community. Furthermore I feel this is the direction that God is leading me towards esp for whatever ministry He is calling me to in the near future.

I won’t be completely switching until September — but that is my tentative plan.
No hard feelings — will be missing you Jaffray kids, but I’ll visit (:

*cheers*

I really want to blog about everything God has been doing this past while — especially in the 12 hours of just seeking God during the call, and where God seems to be leading me in these coming months / year –

Wanting more of God, more intimacy, more time to just soak in His Spirit & Word… to fully recharge, refresh, and just recuperate from all the ‘activity.’

Except lots of busyness / activity is piling up — trying to steal that precious intimacy with Him away — everyday just contending for a few hours with Him or even an hour but everything is in full swing…

but God is good (: and loves me so much — and that is all that matters.

No promises, but I when i get around to resting and writing — I have lot to write (:

Leaving tomorrow morning — (:

More information check out http://www.thecall.com

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